We’re a full three months into 2019, and the Kardashian drama has already drained me of all my energy. Between Tristan and Jordyn, Travis possibly cheating on Kylie, and another designer baby on the way for Kim and Kanye, I’m exhausted. I need to take a 10-year nap, and when I wake up, I swear to God North better not have a sex tape. There is, however, one piece of Kardashian drama that I am living for. And that is Jameela Jamil calling Khloé out for promoting yet another product that probably makes her sh*t her pants in her Rolls-Royce. I hope that fancy car came with a custom tarp! Or are those extra? Anyway, here’s a reminder of what went down:
Quick summary: Khloé posted a picture of Flat Tummy Tea, and claimed it’s the reason her stomach looks so good. Jameela Jamil, who you may know from being so forking awesome on The Good Place, commented on the post saying that Khloé’s body is not the product of this tea, but is in fact the result of a combination of other things like a personal trainer and plastic surgery, and saying otherwise is just false representation. Thank you, Jameela, for saying what I would if I could be bothered to comment on Instagram accounts other than @puppyofday. Simply put, these detox teas are not good for you. And it got me thinking, what other toxic sh*t are celebrities promoting on Instagram? Let’s take a look, and spoiler alert, it’s mostly the Kardashians who are shilling this crap.
Detox Tea & Appetite Suppressant Lollipops
I’m going to lump all these “diet” products into one category. The Kardashians promote these products all the time, but so do women from The Bachelor franchise and some Teen Moms. It must be in the starter kit they get after they first appear on reality TV, titled “Influencer starter pack: how to scam the masses and never work a day in your life!”
You all don’t need me to tell you how bad this stuff is for you, but in case you’re reading this at your desk while enjoying a delicious candy apple appetite suppressant lollipop in place of your lunch, let me enlighten you. According to Bustle, these teas basically function as a laxative and can mess with your digestive system. Extensive use can cause dehydration, and can cause things like liver failure. Liver failure! Guys! I’m pretty sure you need that organ! Doctors, please confirm.
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Becoming a #teamipartner a year ago was hands down the best thing I’ve done for my body and health. I’ve been avoiding sugary drinks, and it can be tough. But I’ve made the @teamiblends Matcha tea a huge part of my daily routine and I haven’t been tempted by energy drinks. Since it’s totally pure green tea it’s got a lot of health benefits and has a ton of antioxidants in it. I’ve even perfected making a Matcha Latte in my tumbler with almond milk, honey and cinnamon. Tastes so amazing that I forget I’m being healthy, haha! If you have questions ask below! You can even use code – MACI25 – for 25% off your Matcha and tumbler! ❤ #thankyouteami
And don’t even get me started on appetite suppressant lollipops. Human beings need to eat! If you don’t eat, you die. You should not suppress the feeling that is telling you to eat. Plus, many women that have suffered from eating disorders in the past have stated that products like this fueled their issues. And finally, only the devil would make something that suppresses your appetite in the shape of a candy. And you should never eat something you got from the devil.
Don’t think I didn’t notice the caption change on this one, Kimmy
The Kardashians not only tell us what we should put in our bodies in order to sh*t out our weight lose weight, they also tell us what we should do outside our bodies to get skinny. And that is to go hard at the gym. Kidding! It’s to use the waist trainers they’re trying to sell us. Didn’t you know we should all have 21-inch waists? If you aren’t sure what a waist trainer is, you’re in for a real treat:
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my girl @premadonna87 hooked me up with the @waistgangsociety snap back package. #ad waistgang has the BEST quality snap back products. make sure you get your package & follow @waistgangsociety to join & keep up the journey together. tag us in photos, and head over to www.whatsawaist.com NOW! Use code (Kylie) for an exclusive discount & I can keep up with your progress ‼️ #waistgangsociety #waistgang #fitness #whatwaist #whatsawaist.com
So what can a waist trainer do for you? It can definitely squeeze your organs and lead to problems like pain, reflux, and indigestion. Sexy! It can also temporarily create an hourglass figure, but once you take it off those pesky organs will spread right back out again. Not cool, organs, not cool.
The whitening products that celebrities have been promoting lately might not be literally toxic, but they can make your teeth too sensitive to drink your daily iced coffee, so I think we can all agree they are figuratively toxic.
According to dentists, you have to be careful with these over-the-counter whiteners because they could leave you with brittleness and sensitivity. Brittleness! Imagine having brittle teeth. I’m cringing so hard right now I just created permanent wrinkles. I think I’ll just stick to my normal oral hygiene regimen, thanks. Instead of using these products, I urge you to just take the advice that my orthodontist aunt whispers in my ear everytime we part, “floss the teeth you want to keep.” It works!
Hair Growth Vitamins
Last, but not least, we have made it to a certain hair growth vitamin. I’m not going to lie, I’ve thought about taking these. I bleached my hair platinum blonde for an entire year, and now my head basically looks like a barbie your brother set on fire, so I’m pretty interested in anything that claims to grow beautiful, healthy hair. At the behest of my hairstylist, I begrudgingly did some research and found out that *shocker* these people are liars! According to Buzzfeed, the claims this company makes are “largely inaccurate.” Apparently these cute little bears hold an awful lot of lead, which is not safe at any level. Cool! I guess I will just stick to Olaplex masks and praying, then.
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I went to the @sugarbearhair pop-up shop in LA rocking my butterfly clips. 🦋💕I’m bringing 'em back, people! I get nostalgic, feeling like I’m on my way to an *NSYNC concert with these things in my hair. Thanks to #sugarbearhair my hair actually feels the way it did back then before hot tools and color touched it. P.S. Notice the JT 2000 inspired sunglasses? #ad
And those are the worst products celebrities promote on social media! If I may be serious for a moment, I’d like to say that the real toxicity of things like detox tea and waist trainers is not just the physical damage they can do to a body, but the insecurity they create in us. Celebrities constantly promoting these products give women the impression they need to go to extreme measures to look “perfect,” and that “perfect” means a small waist, low body weight, blindingly white teeth, and long, bouncy hair. It’s a lie perpetuated to get money out of us, and the damage it does to women (and young girls!) is irreparable. I wish celebrities would think about that more seriously before accepting money from these companies, and just try and sell me some of Rob Kardashian’s socks instead. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just have to rely on heroes like f*cking Tahani Al-Jamil to point out which products are legit, and which ones will make me lose control of my bowels in my 9am meeting!
Images: commentsbycelebs, macideshanebookout, kimkardashian, kyliejenner, snooki, ashley_iaconetti/Instagram